husband each time. He had to go to work early in the morning and I could take no more,
so I tried to keep awake by drinking a hot chocolate.
Eventually I drifted off and apparently I woke him yet again when I called out loudly,”
I’m okay now, I have a monkey on my lap!”
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down
so they can see what's happening.
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Just before Thanksgiving, a lady went shopping for a turkey for the Harvest Feast.
She was rummaging around the frozen bird display looking for a turkey just the
*right* size. She’d pick up one, weight it in her hands and put it down, trying more
than a few birds.
She finally picked up one, and saw a stockboy coming down the aisle.
Holding the turkey up, she asked the fella “Do these get any bigger?”.
The stockboy looked at her and replied “No, Lady, they’re dead”.
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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the
Holy Land for $250." The man thought about it and told him he would just have
her shipped home.
The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law
home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $250?"
The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and days later,
he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
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No matter how far you push the envelope it will always be stationery.
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Elderly folk like to drink wine but it causes them to go to the toilet frequently.
So this vigneron wanted to develop a wine that does not have this affect on
the elderly.
He crossed to varietal wines, Pinot grigio and pinot Noir and came up with
a new varietal called Pinot more.
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This sandwich goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "sorry we do not serve food here".
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner.
It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?
