A jockey is riding the favourite in a big horse race just before Christmas and suddenly he's hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He somehow manages to keep control of his horse and pulls back into the lead once more, only to then be hit by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies.
Using all his ability, he manages to steer his horse back into the lead as he goes over the last fence and into the run-in.
But then he's struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
This time, despite all his best efforts, he can't regain the lead and only manages to finish second.
He immediately goes to the stewards and complains that he has been seriously hampered.
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I got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have
girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white
wine please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing
in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
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A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
They pondered this possibility, but the Frenchman and the Russian soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
Although the Russian and the Brit agreed on this point, there still seemed to be something amiss.
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the man notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his steak.
"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but notice you had your thumb on my steak."
"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want to drop it again."
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After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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