It's the AFL Grand Final between Richmond and Adelaide and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
As it is close to start time, he leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"
“This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1976"
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
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On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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Some bad puns
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
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My kids asked me what it was like growing up in the 80’s ......
So I took their phones away and turned off the wi-fi!!
The world's most prolific Facebook user died today. We shall not see his Like again.
Narcissist? Let's just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.
My sexy neighbour just called me “a bit of a looker”
Well, the term she used was actually “voyeur” but it still counts
Before we get to Movember if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat a
triangular shaped Swiss chocolate next month I’m doing Octoblerone
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Mick and Mary were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Not young, but still in very good health, largely due to Mary's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, however, their good health didn't help when they went on a holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
Mick asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," St. Peter replied, "this is your reward in Heaven."
Mick looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled Mick.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to Mick. "This is Heaven; it is all free for you to enjoy." Mick looked around and nervously asked, "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?"
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
"No gym to work out at?" asked Mick.
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure?"
"Never again," said St. Peter.
Mick glared at Mary and said, "You and your doggone Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"
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Dude 1: "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
Dude 2: "And did he?"
Dude 1: "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
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A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings
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My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."
