A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned about the room being bugged.
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "A-HA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws,
and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room?
How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
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My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff,
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I’ve just been diagnosed as colour-blind!
I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.
I am terrified of elevators,
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I used to hate facial hair,
But then it grew on me.
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1 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
2 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
3 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
4 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
5 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
6 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
7 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
8 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
9 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
10 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
11 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
12 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests.
A day later the doctor rings him with the results.
'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with
her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $80,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house
and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.
‘Bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!
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A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbour owes me $500 and he won’t pay up.
What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”
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Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an
old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, ‘Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!’
The old man said, There is no way you can guess my age!’One of the Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.’
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and
down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, ‘You’re 89 years-old!’ Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess my age?’
Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily
crowed ….. ‘We were at your birthday party yesterday!’
