Knock, knock, Who's there?
Leena, Leena who?
Leena little closer and I will tell you.
Knock, knock, Who's there?
Beets, Beets who?
Beets me!
-------------------------------------------------
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”
-------------------------------------------------
Police have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a
combine harvester while trying to steal it!
He is due to be bailed tomorrow.
-------------------------------------------------
How do birds know you’ve just washed your car?
They tweet each other.
-------------------------------------------------
I was at the gym today and a new guy came in and didn't have a clue
what he was doing. He got on the treadmill and put his water bottle
where the Pringles go. I hate stupid people.
-------------------------------------------------
"I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape so I sought my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for pensioners [seniors]. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over!"
-------------------------------------------------
Teach a man to fish and you won’t see him for a few hours.
Teach him how to use the Internet and he won’t bother you for days, weeks, months,
even years.
-------------------------------------------------
A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,’ St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'
The second is How many seconds are there in a year.
The third is What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
Worse ... you’re now singing it to yourself!
-------------------------------------------------
One day Timmy was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decided to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm burying him," Timmy replied.
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
