Last week I took my young grandchildren out to spend some money they were given for Christmas. In one shop my six-year-old granddaughter gasped loudly and took a step backwards.
“Now I know where Santa does his shopping,” she declared excitedly. “There is the exact skipping rope he gave me!”
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Mick asked Paddy how things have been during his annual leave.
Paddy says "Mick, it's been so slow around here lately, the other night it took us two hours to watch 60 minutes !"
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honourable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
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Jim Bob is passing by Billy Joe’s hay barn one day when through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Joe doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Jim Bob rushes in and says, "What the world are ya doing, Billy Joe?" "Good grief, Jim Bob, ya scared the bejeezzers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Joe, "But me’n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."