I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
--------------------------------------------
Today’s Weather? Room temperature.
--------------------------------------------
This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!
--------------------------------------------
After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them.
Now I understand dogs.
--------------------------------------------
An English fellow was thrilled to have just moved into a council house. All the houses in the street were identical. The chap introduced himself to his immediate neighbour. Man No 2 mentioned he wanted to wall paper his lounge room. Man No1 said he had just done his and to come and have a look.
They were discussing that both houses were identical and so would need the same number of rolls of paper. Man No1 said he had bought 24 rolls.
A week later Man No2 knocked on his neighbour's door. He said how happy he was with the advice but he couldn't figure out how he had ended up with four rolls of wall paper left over.
Man No1 says " That's a coincidence that's the same number of rolls I had left over.
--------------------------------------------
We’re locked in our home in Glen Iris,
In the hope of avoiding the virus.
But there's one shaft of light
In this season of blight
We’re retirees, so no one can fire us!
--------------------------------------------
Today is my wife's birthday. I said to her "Can I get you a diamond necklace for your birthday?"
She said: "Nothing would please me more!"
So I got her nothing.
--------------------------------------------
I started work today at a factory making models of Dracula. There's only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.
--------------------------------------------
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."