While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying rat! You've been playing golf!'
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Most of our generation 50+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.
1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
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My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"
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A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled:
"Stop !! Acts 2:38 !!" (Repent and be Baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done.
As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
"Why did you just stand there ? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture ?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an Axe and Two 38s !!"
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