Just finished reading a book in which it is claimed that keeping an
aquarium in the house produces a calming effect on the brain. This is
due to all the indoor-fins !!!
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Guy feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.
The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320 …………..
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000…………………………………
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000…………………….
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!’
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I’ll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'Blow me down', says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!
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Why is Psychoanalysis quicker for a man than a woman?
Because when it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
A successful man is one who can make more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find this man.
At the baby's baptism, the priest asked for the child's name.
" Carlo Edmundsen Kim Alfred Van Christopher McGoof," replied the mother.
Said the priest to his assistant, "Some more water please."
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out "You have reached your final destination."
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
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My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually
say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.
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From Roxanne
Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.
Mick says to Paddy, 'I cant be bothered to walk all that way.'
'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing?
Have you not found one yet?'
Paddy shouts back, 'I cant find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout
