I’ve been training my dog to go down to our local Off-Licence to get bottles
of Wine…….He’s a Bordeaux Collie!!
I sexually identify as a microwave meal. I'm ready in 3 minutes and I look
nothing like my pictures.
I produced a documentary about urine. I don't have a distributor yet, but
I'm sure that some streaming service will pick it up.
My friend said he didn’t understand cloning.
I said, “That makes two of us”.
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I was at a family party over the holidays and my husband’s uncle was showing
some relatives from interstate around his unit. As he came to an urn on a shelf
he declared that it held the ashes of his old dog and that one day he would pass
it on to one of them.
A niece looked shocked then declared, “ If you don’t mind, I would prefer your money!”
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A guy advertised "Talking Dog For Sale, $50".
The first interested party rang and said "Gee a Talking Dog, why so cheap?”
The seller said, "The Lies, Oh the Lies".
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More amusement for lexophiles
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
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A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty...'
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream. parlour and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, Morris had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s
wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you
won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
