Back in the early 90s, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Scwarzenegger were getting a little tired of being cast as muscle bound action heroes, and decided to collaborate on a movie about 18th century composers.
When it came time to decide who would play what, Stallone said, “I’ll be Beethoven.”
Van Damme said, “I’ll be Mozart.”
Schwarzenegger said, “I’ll be Bach.”
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New York attorney representing a very wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million – and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
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The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.
He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
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1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
6. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass".
7. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
8. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
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My doctor said,''I need you to go down to the hospital.''
''Oh dear!'' I replied.''What is it?''
''Well it's a great big building
with doctors and nurses.'' He muttered.
I went to a vegetarian restaurant last night and when I'd finished the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"
"It was very nice," I replied. "My compliments to the gardener."
My girlfriend has just left me because she's is fed up with my obsession with Egypt. I tried to explain to her that I am totally in de nile