Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."

 

Boy: "Really?"

 

Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

 

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"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."

 

"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"

 

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 

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A smart, handsome and sexy young man dressed in the most sophisticated manner walked into the bar. He noticed a woman staring at him without blinking her eyes with an open mouth.

 

Flattered, he approached the woman and said in his sexiest deep voice - "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $20 but on one condition." The woman was trapped in a moment and asked as if in a trance - "What's your condition?" The young man replied, "Tell me your wish in just three words."

 

After a long pause, woman opened her purse, counted the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."

 

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A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:

 

- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag

- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

- 24 hours supply of food and drink

- De-icer

- 5 lbs of rock salt

- flashlight with spare batteries

- Road flares and reflective triangles

- Tow rope

- 5 gallon gas can

- First aid kit

- Jump cables

 

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.

 

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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died.

 

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

 

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

 

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I was taking my grandchildren home when a police car started following me. Worried that I might do something I might be pulled over for, I turned left and stopped. The three-year-old was cranky, declaring loudly that his mummy and daddy did not live there, so I explained that I was worried that even though I was a careful driver, I always worry that when police follow me they might charge me with something.

The five-year-old cried out in shock at this.

 

“Nanna, would they push one of those white cords Mummy uses to charge her phone into you?”