A supposedly true story out of San Francisco (but who knows):
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said: "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed:
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men – are men.
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A guy walked into a bar and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like him.
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Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "
Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked.
“To get my teeth!”
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As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"
“Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!”
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…
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