A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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Bloke sat in his armchair shouts to his wife, "When I die, I'm going to leave everything to you, Love"
She shouts back, "You already do, you lazy b*stard!"
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My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
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After a busy day commuters settled down on their train train trip home, when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc.
This was still going on after many minutes , when the young
woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"
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In a train compartment, there are three men and one ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $5, I'll show you my thighs." Men being what they are, they all pull out a five-dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to the top of her thighs..
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $20, I will show you where I was operated on for an appendicitis."
Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "Right over there!"
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A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... but I think I know where my pen is."
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A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital.
"How are things at the office going, Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Cathy is making it with the boss."
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On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?'
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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"For sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 10, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
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Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."
"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"
"Probably not," answers the keeper.
"Why not?" persists the visitor.
"Would you?"
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A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. there is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says looks towards the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says "Actually I made up the previous statement. But you all looked in anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes laster, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
