“A thief broke into my house last night…. He started searching for money… So I woke up and searched with him.”
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If you are sitting in a public place and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
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Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 p.m. is the new Midnight.
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If you answer the phone with, “Hello, you’re on the air!” Most telemarketers will quickly hang up.
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Karen’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque”.
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!”
When the repairman arrived at Karen’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
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1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"
SHE SHOUTED BACK …
"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY B*STARD!!”
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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'Ten cents,' the barman replied.
'Ten cents?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'