I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Paddy was a youthful and hardworking Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland.
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home, so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' said........................................
Wait for it!
OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!
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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Cairns with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend".....
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..
'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Bream, some Bass, and a few Pike.
He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
You'll love the answer………
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
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A first year kid goes to school with his shoes on the wrong feet.
"Johnny", says the teacher, "you have your shoes on the wrong feet"
The kid looks up puzzled "But Miss,
these are the only feet I have"
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An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form.
He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow of the Australian government by force, subversion, or violence?"
Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he checked "Subversion."
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