I once dated an anaesthesiologist. She was pretty, but I broke it off. I didn't feel anything.
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A young college girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
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I was telling my preschoolers the story of the Nativity the other day, hen I got to the part where Mary a and Joseph got on the donkey to head to Bethlehem one of the children asked why they were riding a donkey. "They didn't have cars" I said and Ed said " Then why didn't they get an Uber driver ?"
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One for those of you celebrating Thanksgiving…
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
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There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
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* If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
* Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
* Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
* Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
* At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the Pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the telephone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demanded an apology.
Before he could say a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the car and house keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tyre. When I finally got here, there was a crowd of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store open and started serving those people, and all the time, the damn phone was ringing.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of five cent coins against the cash register to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins. The phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with rows of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.”
“It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer – and believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”
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At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!
A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.
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I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
"You'll get $24," said the clerk.
"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.
"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."
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A snail walked into a car dealership and asked the salesman to find him their fastest sports car. The snail said he would pay cash for it, pay full sticker price, and then showed the salesman his money. The snail said the only adjustment was that he wanted a big "S" painted on each side, for which he would gladly pay extra.
The salesman, eager for a high-commission sale, did exactly as the snail requested. When the deal was signed and the car delivered, the salesman said to the snail, "mind if I ask why you wanted the S painted on each side?" The snail replied, "because when I'm zooming down the road, I want people to say "look at that S car go!
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