Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket
because it erases your memory.
I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself
That's a little condescending
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full
are missing the point. The glass is refillable.
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Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran
out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was
on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back
to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!
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A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist.
You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
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I got some bad news today. You know the money you get from those ATM machines? It comes from YOUR account!
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An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.
The chief made a series of weird noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"
The chief made the same noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.
The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z... From the short-wave radio."
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Half an hour before the start of the morning, an employee calls his supervisor to say he won't be coming in today.
Employee: "I'm having a vision problem."
Supervisor: "Sounds bad. What's wrong?"
Employee: "I just can't see myself at work today."
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As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet, sad, looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?" I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
