I enjoy taking pictures of myself in the shower but the pictures always come out blurry....
I have selfie steam issues!
In spite of her childhood dreams, nothing my neighbour touched has turned to gold.
She Midas well accept it.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles Elbow..
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I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from making love for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without making love for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
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Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 10 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
2. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
3. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
4. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
5. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
6. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
7. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
8. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
9. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
10. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."
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A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"
The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister" says the little girl.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its test.icles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'
