At our local funeral home families are given the chance to choose the music they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."
The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
------------------------------------
A guy is lost in the desert and desperately needs a drink. As he follows the dunes, he comes upon another man riding a camel. He asks the man if he has something to drink.
The man on the camel said, "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties. Would you like to buy one?"
"No!" The first man replies. "Are you crazy? I need something to drink, not a tie!"
So the man on the camel tells him that there is a cantina just a day's walk ahead. So the walking man continues his slow and thirsty trek until finally he comes upon the cantina.
He gratefully approaches the doorman and begs, "I'm so glad I made it! Can I get in and have some water?"
The doorman frowned at him. "Not without a tie."
------------------------------------
Some short thoughts
During the Middle Ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
We can all now agree that in 2016 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
------------------------------------
Just landed a part in the remake of Treasure Island, I play long john
silver, I'm getting £5000 a week and I start Tuesday. My mate said if I
was getting £5000 a week I'd start on Monday, I said I can't I'm having
my leg off Monday
------------------------------------
What if a dog brings back the ball because he thinks we like throwing it?
------------------------------------
I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called“Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.
If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short
the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
It works every time, no worries.
So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have
worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!
But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
------------------------------------
Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after
the holidays.
Mitsy said,
“My daughter-in-Law stopped making my grandchildren send their
thank you notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a
generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely thank you note.
However, since my daughter-in-Law stopped making the grandkids
send thank you notes, I never hear from them.”
Milda said,
“My daughter-in-Law never made the grandchildren send thank you
notes. I, too, send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past
several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In
fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow,” remarked Mitsy. “I wish mine would do that.”
“You can, Mitsy, you can.”
“How?” Mitsy asked.
“Simple,” Milda replied.
“Do what I do: Don’t sign the cheque”
