Knock, knock,
Who's there?
Zany
Zany who?
Zany body home?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Teresa
Teresa who?
Teresa are green!.
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Some teacher jokes
Teacher: John go to the map and find South America
John: Here it is
Teacher: Now class who discovered South America?
Class: John
Teacher: Alan your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Alan: No sir, it’s the same dog.
Son: "Dad, will you do my maths homework for me tonight?"
Dad: "No son, it wouldn’t be right."
Son: "Well, just do your best."
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As we were driving down the road. "Sweet Caroline" came on the
radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be
called Neil Coal until the pressure got to him."
Did you hear about the two artists having a contest?
It ended in a draw.
I have a fear of speed humps but I’m slowly getting over it.
PEOPLE WHO USE WRONG WORDS sometimes should have the
humidity to admit it.
I recently took up meditation.
It’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
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During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was
seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the
mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he
gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician
said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the
pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
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A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
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An Australian tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness'. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the Australian, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
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When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have such a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he admitted, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
