Paddy and Murphy were working on a building site when suddenly a slate fell off the roof and sliced poor Paddy’s ear clean off.
The pair rushed around the site trying to find it in time to sew it back on. Eventually, Murphy spotted it and ran over to Paddy.
“Is this yours?” he asked in a hurry.
Disappointed, Paddy replied: “No, mine had a pencil behind it!”
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. ‘Fishing,’ the old man said, simply.
‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
' Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start......"
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Two friends are discussing the possibility of love.
"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.
"How so?" his friend asks.
"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."
"And that wasn't love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was obsession. Then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Was that love?"
"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Was that love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was seasickness."
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My wife has these days when she wants us to "talk about things."
On one of these occasions we were discussing our future so I asked her, "What would you do if I die before you do?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with two or three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"
I replied, "Probably the same thing."
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