I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an
Italian city.
It's a Rome ants novel.
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My aunt Mary always came over to our house without telling us in advance.
We called her Mary Pop-ins.
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My mate just said to me: “You’ve put a lot of weight on”.
I said: "I’ve had a lot on my plate recently".
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Slept in my Animals T-shirt and woke up in the House of the Rising Sun
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A German tourist jumped into a freezing river to save my dog.
After he climbed out, he said. "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine."
I asked him, "Are you a vet?" "Vet?" He said. "I'm bloody soaking."
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I've just seen a sign in the jewelers saying "Watch Batteries Fitted"
I thought "Why would I want to do that?"...
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen
to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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Bob and bill are walking down a street in Sydney. John Howard walks towards them
on their path. John Howard says hello Bob. Bill says to Bob wow you know him.
Bob says I know lots of people.
They walk down the street further and are approached by Peter Garrett.
He also says hello Bob. Bill said you do know a lot of people.
A month later the two of them are holidaying together in the Vatican and they go to
view the pope on his balcony. Bob says to Bill I’ll be back in a while and heads off.
Fifteen minutes later the pope appears on the balcony with Bob beside him.
A nun standing beside bill taps him on the shoulder asks.
Who is that standing next to Bob.
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So two old ladies met again in the supermarket for the first time in several months.
Their conversation went something like this:
Ada: "Hello Lil, not seen you for a while, how's things?"
Lil: "Not so bad now Ada, I suppose you heard I lost my husband a few weeks ago".
Ada: "No, I hadn't heard, What happened?"
Lil: "Well, it was Sunday morning and I was fancying cauliflower to have with our dinner.
I sent him down the garden to pick one, but after an hour he hadn't returned to the house,
so I went down the garden only to find him face down among the cauliflowers.
He was dead, he'd had a heart attack."
Ada: "Oh my god, what did you do?"
Lil: "Well I had to open a tin of peas, didn't I."
