Did you hear about the mime who was arrested after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm?
He still has the right to remain silent
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"Is the closure of Uluru the result of climb it change?"
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Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”
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Tony goes to his doctor with a painful knee and the doctor places his stethoscope on Tony's kneecap and he hears a tiny voice saying, "Lend me some money, lend me some money."
Tony then says, "Doc, my ankle hurts too!"
So the doctor puts his stethoscope on Tony's ankle and he hears another tiny voice saying, "I want to borrow money quickly, lend me money!"
The good doctor then says, "This is far more serious than I thought, your leg is broke in two places!"
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Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
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Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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A young woman in Melbourne was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Yarra. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have to much to live for. "l'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Williamstown Ferry."
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I'm a Salesman.
Yesterday I got two orders.
They were "Get Out and Stay Out".
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