In a small business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.
Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."
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My sister and I were out on the town one night when we ran into a man I knew. "You're sisters?" he asked incredulously. "You look nothing alike.
Pointing to her nose and my chin, my sister said, "Different plastic surgeons."
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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A man said to his teenage daughter, “ I want you home by 11 o’clock”
She said, “But Dad, I’m no longer a child”.
“I know, that’s why I want you home by 11!”, he replied.
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Shaun walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Shaun said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Shaun what he had ….
Shaun said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Shaun to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Shaun what he had. Shaun said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Shaun a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Shaun to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Shaun sitting patiently in the nude and asked Shaun what he had.
Shaun said, ‘Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Shaun said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload them?'
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One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a young woman standing next to him smiling.
Noticing the rather distinct bulge she asked, "What do you have in your pocket?"
"Tennis ball," the man said, smiling back.
"Wow!" said the woman looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was terrible!"
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