I used to work with a man nicknamed “Blister” - he only ever appeared after the hard work was done.
I lived in the bush for a number of years and there were a lot of nicknames. Two of my favourites: One bloke I knew was called Aspro because he was a slow working dope. The other one was called have-a-chat, for obvious reasons.
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In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women - one of whom was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to jail!"
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A skeleton walks into a bar. He says “Give me a beer….and a mop.”
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre. So he gave her one.
My wife told me to embrace my mistakes. I hugged her.
Have you tried Blindfolded Archery. You don’t know what you’re missing!
My mother was fuming when I told her I had bought a theatre. She said ‘Are you having me on?” I said “I’ll give you an audition but I can’t promise anything.”
My wife said she was leaving me because of my addiction to The Monkees. I thought she was kidding. Then I saw her face.
My dog is a problem. He’ll chase anyone on a bike. In the end I had to take the bike off him.
My wife wants me to stop doing my flamingo impersonation. I’ll have to put my foot down.
A man came up to me in the street and said “Can you spare a minute for Cancer Research?”. I said ‘Yes, but I don’t think we’ll get much done.”
(Me, calling a gym)
“I’m calling to ask if someone could teach me to do the splits”
“Of course, how flexible are you?”
“Well, I can’t do Tuesdays.”
I’ll never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason I love my house very much.
On my first day in the Roman prison, they took away my name and gave me a number – I was LIVID
I have a really good EpiPen. It means a lot to me as my dying friend gave it to me and it seemed really important to him that I have it.
“My dog loves listening to mid 19th century operettas”
“Offenbach?”
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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands
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