Some one-liners
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately.
I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed. I'm always ready for bed.
The fact here's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
It's weird being the same age as old people.
--------------------------------------------------------
The son comes home from school in the afternoon, hungry and complains to his mum: I've got tummy ache!!
His mother gives him something to eat and says: that's because your tummy is empty!
Soon afterwards the father comes home and complains about headache.
So the son says: It's probably because it is......
--------------------------------------------------------
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” “No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
He said “No!”. trying to hide his excitement.
She said …“Check the garage.”
--------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself."
--------------------------------------------------------
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
--------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into a doctor's office with burns on both of her ears. The doctor asks her what happened.
"Well..." she begins, "I was ironing my work suit when the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."
"Well that explains one ear," the doctor said, "but what about the other?"
"He called back!"
--------------------------------------------------------
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free
will?"
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes.'"
