A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:
"How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
-------------------------------------------
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.
"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."
-------------------------------------------
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
-------------------------------------------
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes... can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem... didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
-------------------------------------------
Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.
She's still laughing.
-------------------------------------------
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
-------------------------------------------
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, "Why did you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied, "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
.jpg "President Ian Mc Kay & wife Sherril")
