Knock, knock, Who's there?
Cook, Cook who?
Yeah, you do sound crazy?
Knock, knock, Who's there?
Noise, Noise who?
Noise to see you!.
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If you buy a jacuzzi, you'll be in hot water with the missus
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub, and it's a 35 minute walk
from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering!
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For the past 20 years, my wife has been complaining about my not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.
This anniversary I decided to change this bad habit to make my wife happy.
For a week I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste after brushing my teeth.
I was expecting my wife to at least notice and maybe even thank me, but she never did,
Finally, last night, she turned to me in bed and said…
“Why have you stopped brushing your teeth?”
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours.."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
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Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "
Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked.
“To get my teeth!”
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An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!!
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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?!'
