Here is one for you - What do you call a french man wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe
Another - I boiled a funny bone to make a laughing stock but it wasn't humerus.
Yet another - You can't run through a camp ground, you can only ran, because it's past tents.
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An atheist was out fishing on Scotland's famous Loch Ness. Eventually, he felt a tug, and started reeling in his line. At first, there was a great pull the other way, and he realized he'd caught something big.
Then, the pull stopped and he started reeling in the line with no resistance at all and thought that he's lost whatever he had caught until suddenly there was a tremendous crash. The fisherman found himself tumbling end over end in the air and as he looked down, he saw a pair of huge, gaping jaws below him.
"Oh, God, help me!" he cried out. And then time seemed to stop, and he heard a thunderous voice saying: "All this time you have denied my existence. Why should I help you now?"
The former atheist replied: "Give me a break, please! Until just now, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"
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• My goal for 2019 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …
• How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some Meat.
• I just did a week's worth of cardio exercise after walking into a spider web …
• I don't mean to brag but … I finished the food delivered for my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes
• A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it …
• Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel …
• I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going with this …
• A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I got up and searched with him
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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
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I bought 3 dozen baby chickens the other day.
Well, they were going cheep.
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My father used to be a postman.
He was always pushing the envelope.
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A retired lady was enjoying a cruise. While on deck she noticed a handsome, distinguished looking gentleman.
She approached a member of the crew and said: “See that gentleman, would you please seat him next to me for dinner this evening.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” the staff member said.
Later on, the woman was eating dinner and sure enough the gentleman came and sat down beside her. He turned to her and said: “I’m curious, why did you want me to sit next to you for dinner?”
“I’m so glad you asked,” she said. “It’s because you remind me of my third husband.”
Surprised, he said: “Really, may I ask how many times you’ve been married?”
“Twice,” she replied with a wink.
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An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.
The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says.
This catches the Irishman’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’
The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on Google. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00.
The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer €5.00 and goes back to sleep.
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