"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." --Thomas Edison
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When a man brings his wife a gift for no reason, there's a reason.
---Molly McGee
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Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say...
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Sweetie, now that you're fourteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO AND HAVE FUN!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your whinging, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.
1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn't mean it!)
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A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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Q. What do you get if you cross a rottweiler with a Lassie?
A. Something that bites your leg and then runs 4 help !
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Morris goes to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll give you 20 dollars an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 30 dollars an hour.
So when would you like to start?"
Morris replies, "How 'bout three months from now?"
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I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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"Guess what I heard today?" a man says to his wife.
"What, hon?" she asks.
"The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one."
"Huh," his wife says, "I bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis next-door."
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During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
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A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed: “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said: “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
