Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
‘Mate, it's obvious,’ says the lifeguard, 'You're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!’
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
'JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. ...........The potato goes in the front!'
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Two blokes from Chesterfield decide to go on a dream holiday for a weeks tuna fishing in Thailand. For the first 6 days they don't even get a bite, but at the last minute on the final day they catch a Tuna. One says to the other " Do you realise, that fish has cost us 15 grand " to which his mate replies " It's a good job we didn't catch any more then"
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, “did you find the shampoo?” He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair and I just wet mine.”
A blond man spots letter on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”. He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A priest was driving and gets stopped for speeding.
The cop smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Father, have you been drinking?"
"Just water", says the priest, fingers crossed.
The cop says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Praise be to God! He's done it again".
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I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are creeping up to a bandit camp on their bellies, when suddenly the Lone Ranger let's out a muffled yelp and clutches his rear end.
"Tonto!...I've been bitten by a rattlesnake...quickly, ride to town and ask the doctor what to do!"
So Tonto scampers back to the horses, jumps up on his beloved Scout and rides like forty demons are behind him, all the way back to town. Quickly dismounting, he runs into the doctor's office.
"Doctor!...The Lone Ranger...he be bitten by snake....what Tonto do?"
The doctor looks shocked, but quickly summons his wits about him.
"Well, you need to expose the skin, and suck out the poison."
Running back to his horse, Tonto leaps into the saddle once more, riding like the wind, he quickly returns to the side of his rapdily fading companion. Weakly, the Lone Ranger lifts his head...
"Tonto...thank god....what did the doctor say?"
Tonto crossed his arms, looking down at his life-long friend.
"Kemo sabe....the doctor say...you gonna die."
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Erol, 92 years of age and still kicking. To make sure everything was holding together, he used to go to the doctor once a fortnight for a check-up. The doctor checked Erol as he always did and gave him his prescriptions and advice. As Erol left, the doctor smiled to himself at how well Erol was doing for a 92 year old.
The following weekend, the doctor saw Erol out with two gorgeous women. One on each arm. One blonde, one brunette, both buxome and both wearing not very much.
When next Erol was in for his check up, the doctor said:
"Well, you're doing really well for yourself aren't you?" to which Erol replied:
"I'm just doing what you told me. You said get two hot mammas and be cheerful"
"No I didn't!" The doctor exclaimed, "I told you you had a heart murmer and be careful."
