Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her, "You're in great shape. You must work out a lot."
Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, "Oh, thank you so much!"
The next day a different young woman was driving the cart. "Watch this," I whispered. I walked up to her and said, "Wow, you look great. You must work out a lot."
"Yeah," she replied flatly. "You should try it."
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On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno"
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A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."