Q: Why don't scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything
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I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it.
I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a nearby dog barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone .
In this day and age of Technology" how come new born babies are not born Cordless??
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The teacher says “Ok class, I’d like you to tell me what you need at home“.
Susie says, “We need a computer”. Wendy says, “We need a car”. Johnny says, “We don’t need anything Miss”. The teacher says “Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?”
“ No miss, my sister came home with a new boyfriend and my Dad said, “Well that’s all we need!”
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A big row has broken out in the Irish synchronised diving team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
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Actor Richard Wilson regards his three years as rector of Glasgow University as a great honour. He tells of the time he was appearing in a London play and had to go to Glasgow for the initiation ceremony.
“I told the producer that I was going to Glasgow for my rectorial installation. She turned to me and said “ Is there not a hospital here in London that can do that for you? “
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The joke about lying your veins end to end reminded me of “ Statistics and averages“
We hear all the time about averages this and averages that indicating that it is OK! But-
A wiser man once told me that if you stuck your head in the oven and your feet in the refrigerator your average temperate might be 36.5d--- but you would be DEAD!!!
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself: "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied: "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked: "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: "For the love of God, don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there as well!”
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A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you..."
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The baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong?" said the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
