Two Irishmen flying in a biplane, one says to the other “ If we fly
upside down, will we fall out?” His mate says “ No Paddy, we’ve been
friends for years.”
I thought it was the washing machine shrinking my clothes...
Turns out it is the refrigerator.
I never repeat gossip: so listen carefully the first time.
I use to hate it when my mom would dress me and my twin brother in the same clothes. We could hardly walk
I was in a cafe the other day.Two waitresses were having an argument about how long to leave the tea bag in..
It ended up being a big brawl, I asked the manager how did that happen?
He said ‘I don’t know but it’s been brewing for ages!’….
Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you! You got so big!”, to children.
Adults tend to get offended.
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During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
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I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
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A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up
"Yeah, right."
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A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and
was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her
feet.
*'*I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She said, 'Yes, my husband and I use it all the time.'
'If you don't mind my asking,' he said, 'what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex,' she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. 'Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire
you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you
tell me exactly HOW you use it for s-x?'
The woman said, 'I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on
the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.
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At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
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Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.
"Do you have six cents?" she asked.
"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."
"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."
