A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.
"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."
"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."
"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."
"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off.”
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So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard...Violators will be toad."
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
The second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN...Couldn't walk for a year.
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Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
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