Finally my winter fat has gone! I now have spring rolls.
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Or is it one of Granny's myths?
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that.
It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
I took my bald horse for a walk through the desert - it was a horse with no mane…
I've never asked a rhetorical question. How cool is that?
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!! '
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
Wife: "Only when he's been drinking."
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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "WOOF!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
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A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. ‘Do you watch much television here?’
“Only the daytime shows,” he inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.”
“That’s too bad,” said the reporter. “But I do think it’s nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.”
“What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment.”
