While driving along, Tom had a flat tire and pulled over to the curb right in front of a insane asylum.
While he was changing the tire, an inmate was inside, clinging to the fence and watching him.
When Tom removed the lug nuts, he put them in the hubcap. But as he slid off the flat tire from the rim, he accidentally stepped on the hubcap and flipped all of the lug nuts down into the sewer.
Perplexed, Tom just sat on his spare trying to figure out what to do.
From the fence came the voice of the inmate saying, “Why not take one lug nut off of each of the other tires and use them to put on your spare.”
Tom was amazed. “How did you know that,” he said.
“Hey buddy. I’m in here for being crazy, not stupid.”
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Some interesting thoughts from Theo
Just bought a microwave bed. I can get eight hours sleep in two and a half minutes!
And for our next band, would you please welcome the bailiffs.
Take it away boys.
My ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It taurus apart.
As an ex English teacher, I was asked if I'd consider a job at an open prison, teaching poetry to the inmates.
Hmm. It's got it's prose and cons..
I'm taking some ice cream to church with me tomorrow..sundae service.
Just found out my neighbour is in the Guinness World Book of Records for the most concussions sustained in a year, well he's not my neighbour but does live a stone’s throw away.
A man in jail who worked in the laundry apparently head butted 2 prison officers and escaped. The newspaper headline was :- WASHER NUTS SCREWS AND BOLTS!!!!
One entrepreneur says to another: "I've just been in the Far East prospecting for gold." "Japan?" asks the second entrepreneur. "Gosh, no," he replies. "I used much more scientific methods."
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From my brother Chris
Two Telstra employees were married on a Monday a couple of weeks ago.
After the ceremony, everybody just went straight home.
Why?
There was no reception.
(P.S. He no longer works for Telstra)
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A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.
The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.
Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied in the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know sh*t about cars."
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I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
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A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, she replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, said the woman, “that means a lot”.
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