How’s the diet going?
Not good.
I had eggs for breakfast.
Scrambled?
No, Cadbury.
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I’ve always wondered why lemonade is made from artificial flavours
but furniture polish is made from real lemons.
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While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle
from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared
their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember, run to
Daddy first, then the dog."
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On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver
who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make
of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a
"blue, four-door sedan."
"It's the one on fire," he replied.
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I was disappointed to find out that a defibrillator doesn't stop my
children from telling fibs, even after multiple tries.
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Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes,
coat, top, trousers and underwear. Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake
the kids or my wife.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.
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My friend Iain has one eye bigger than the other!
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Did you know Glen Campbell only weighed 57.16kg ?
He was a ninestone cowboy.
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A friend and I went up to the Bonza check-in desk this morning.
The girl asked: "Do you have reservations?"
I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway."
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“I” before “E” except after “C” has been disproven by science
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When my wife says "We need to talk" why is it never about football or westerns?
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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was
accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and
told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am
300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?"
he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have
been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had
an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."
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A few days ago I received a friend request on Face Book from a young attractive girl about
28 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my
FB friend.
So I accepted it. Then she started sending me private messages. She was very kind.
Even called me beautiful. She asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told her and reminded her
I'm quite a bit her senior. I let her talk a bit cos (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad.
We keep talking for a while and within a short time, she asked if we could talk about
'adult things'. I said ok. Then she replied with a big smiley face.
She said 'thank you babe, you start."
So I did!
I told her adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is
cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night
and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep.
I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury.
And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fibre supplements to prevent
passing gas. Can't forget that one!
I was waiting for her to answer me...
She blocked me ! She wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat!
I think I'm just a bit too much man for her to handle
