Modern Guru.
Lew Officer is our club’s version of an Agony Aunt. If you have a problem, Lew will be able to solve it for you. This week Lew brings us some timely advice from The Age’s modern guru.
Q: My wife and I have long been perplexed by the fact there are 11 Tim Tams in a packet. Is it to promote disharmony between couples? Or to improve negotiation skills in regards to the sharing of the last one?
K.C., Collingwood, Vic
A: Everyone loves Tim Tams: they're a yummy combination of biscuit, cream filling and chocolate coating, and they have been destroying loving Australian relationships since 1964.
Eleven biscuits cannot be divided equally between two people, so a packet is really only suitable for polygamous Mormon marriages of 11 members, each getting only one Tim Tam, so it's still hardly satisfactory. But for the monogamous non-Mormonous couple, there's no workable solution.
Scenario 1: you offer the final Tim Tam to your beloved, they politely say, "No you have it," you politely say, "No you have it." This goes on until someone finally takes it, the other person thinks, "You pig," resentment builds, you break up.
Scenario 2: you share the final Tim Tam by breaking it in half, you fail to take into account the delicate nature of biscuit structure, the Tim Tam shatters, the other person thinks, "You dope," disappointment festers, you break up.
Scenario 3: you buy two packets of Tim Tams so you can have 11 each, you both put on weight, your teeth rot and fall out, you find each other physically repulsive, you break up.
Arnott's is up to no good, using Tim Tams to force traditional couples into unlawful polygamous marriages. And things get worse with Tim Tam Chewy Caramels, which come in packets of nine, encouraging orgiastic ménage à trois relationships, three Tim Tams each. No idea why Arnott's is doing this. I think it's an Illuminati thing.
