Things that happen to men:

 1.The missus isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how...I didn't even know it was her birthday!

2. After too many beers, my mate asked if he could crash out on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.

3. The missus said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.
 

4. As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."  So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase.
 

5. Woman to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!” Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."
 

6. My mate is thinking about asking his ex-missus to re-marry him, but he's worried she’ll think he is just after her for his money.
 

7. My missus left me for another bloke. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out. And while the poor bugger's going through all that, I'll be down at the pub with my mates every night!
 

8. My missus left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to live with my mum." I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she on about?"