JEST FOR A LAUGH

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.

-- Irish Proverb

This week we have a few odds and ends to tickle your fancy.

 

 

The Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

 

 

Qantas Airlines  -  Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

 

 

 

Latest Technology now available for Gen Z

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organised Knowledge device, trade name "BOOK" 
 
 BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits or batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.   It's so easy to use even a child can operate it.  Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire, yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
 
 Here is how it works :  BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of re-cyclable paper, each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.  The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called abinder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
 
 Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.  Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain.  A flick of your finger takes you to the next sheet.  BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by simply opening it.
 
 BOOK never crashes or requires re-booting.  The Browse feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.
 Many come with an Index feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.  An optional "BOOKMARK" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session, even if BOOK is closed.
 
 BOOKMARKS fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKMARK can be used in any BOOK produced by any manufacturer.
 Conversely, numerous BOOKMARKS can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once.  The number of BOOKMARKS is only limited to the number of pages in the BOOK.
 
 You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, named "Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus" - or - "PENCILS".
 
 Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a huge entertainment wave.   BOOK'S appeal seems so certain that thousands of content-creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to the new phenomenon.   Look for a flood of new titles soon.
 
 And BOOK is GST free - unlike those old fashioned E-books with their 10% added.tax

 

 

 

Getting to know each other....

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.’He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.’
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position,at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!’

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.’

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool,
lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?

’'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!

 

 

 



IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT THAT COUNTS...... 

 

A Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."

The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.

 

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?"

He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."

The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize, Sir, you are cleared to go"

 

Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.

One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"

He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this?

This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."

 

MORAL : - Politics is when you can tell the same story in different ways, to fool different audiences, that allows you to look good in every instance.