This week we present a phone call for some takeaway pizza, and some philosophy from our Jesters.

 

 

 

 

CALLER:  Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:  No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:  I must have dialled a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:  No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:  OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:  My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:  OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:  What? I detest vegetable!.

GOOGLE:  Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know!

 GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:  Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:  I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:  I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:  But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:  I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:  WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:  I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:  Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:  I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...

 

 

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Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns.  I replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?"  I am now blocked.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat. 

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask.  It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people. 

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I never make the same mistake twice.  I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

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If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer.  There's no other explanation for that type of income.

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Do not vaccinate health care workers first.  If it fails, we're all in trouble.  Vaccinate the politicians first.  If we lose a few of them, it won't matter.

In the 1980's I fell off my bike and skinned my knee.  I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine.  I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.

Dear Sneeze:  If you're going to happen, happen.  Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.  Nine horrible, worthless, bacon-less years.

I still have a full deck... I just shuffle slower.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius.  But his brother Frank was a monster.