An elderly fellow went into bush-nursing hospital for an operation.
When he came around he found that he was in bed in a very dark room with all of the blinds and curtains drawn.
He called for the nurse and asked why it was so dark in the room.
"Well", the nurse replied, "there's a bushfire outside and we didn't want you to think that the operation had been a failure!"
A woman rang her family doctor and said, Please doctor, can you come around and see my husband. He says that he is feeling most unwell."
The doctor replied, "I think that your husband is a hypochondriac. I'm not coming around and that's flat. He only thinks he's ill."
The next day the woman rang again.
"What is it this time?" the doctor asked "Does he still think that he is ill?"
"No," the wife replied, "This time he thinks he's dead!"
The Australian Prime Minister had been invited to Moscow by President Putin.
He wanted to make a good impression and he had the staff in his Department write a 15 minute speech in phonetic Russian. Though he didn't understand Russian, by sounding it out phonetically he would give the impression that he could speak it fluently.
Before he left Canberra he had a Russian interpreter listen while he practiced the speech and the feedback was excellent.
Just before he was leaving his hotel to deliver the speech in Red Square, he realised that he had forgotten to get the words for "Ladies & Gentlemen".
So he rushed to the bathrooms in the hotel lobby and wrote down the words for Men and Women.
Afterwards Vladimir Putin came up to him and said, "What a wonderful speech. You held the crowd's attention and your Russian was perfect."
He went on, "Just one thing, why did you start your speech by addressing the audience as 'Water Closets' and 'Urinals'?"
