A young woman was in labour with her first child.
Her husband stood by, looking concerned and ready to help.
Suddenly she called out "Shouldn't! Wouldn't!" Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
The father to be looked up in dismay.
"Don't worry", the doctor reassured him, "Those are just contractions!"
A bear walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Give me a whiskey ....................................................... and cola."
The barman asked, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replied, "I'm not sure. I was born with them."
A fellow walked into a bank in New York City and applied for a loan of $4000.
"Well", said the loans officer, "Before we lend you the money we are going to need some form of security."
"No problem", said the man, "Come with me".
They walked out into the bank carpark and the was a black, top of the range, Mercedes Benz AMG63.
"The car is mine", the man said. "Here are the registration papers".
He continued, "I only need the loan for three weeks. You can keep the car in the meantime."
The loan was organised, the documents signed and the man left.
Three weeks later he came in and repaid the $4,000 loan, plus $24 interest.
The loans officer said to the man, "I can't understand it. We checked you out after you left and you are a millionaire any times over. Why did you need to borrow $4,000?"
"Well", the man replied, "To be honest, it's quite simple, while I was staying here in New York for three weeks, where else could I park my car for $24?"
An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his left leg.
"I'm afraid its just old age", replied the doctor. "There is nothing that we can do about it".
"That can't be," fumed the old man. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Listen", said the doctor. "I am qualified to know these things. How come you think that you know better?"
"Well", said the old man, "You say my left leg's problem is old age. But my right leg is fine and it's the exact same age!"
Terry was at a seminar when a guest speaker started talking; comparing a company's success with a long happy marriage.
The speaker look around the room and said, "Who has been married for twenty or more years?"
Quite a few hands went up.
"OK", said the speaker, "who has been married for over 40 years?'
Three or four hands went up.
The speaker then said, "Right, let's find out who has been really successful. Stand up if you have been married for 50 years."
Terry was the only person to stand up.
"Wow", said the speaker, "Come out here. Tell me when did you get married?"
Terry replied, "I was married on 26 August 1970. That's fifty years ago tomorrow."
The speaker gushed, "That's fantastic. Perhaps your can give us some insights from which we can learn. What do you do for your wife that makes your marriage so successful?"
Terry thought for a moment and said, "Well, I try to be nice, buy her presents, take her on trips ... and best of all, for our 25th Wedding Anniversary I took her to Bali."
"That's inspirational", said the speaker. "What are you going to do for your 50th anniversary?"
"Well", said Terry, "I'm thinking of going back to Bali to pick her up!"
