It was the kindergarten teacher's first day and she was keen to make a good impression on her class of infants in the Northern NSW hippy community to which she had been appointed.
The teacher asked a little girl her name. The reply came, "Apple Blossom, Miss".
"What a lovely name", said the teacher, "where did you parents get such a lovely name from?"
The girl replied, "When Mum & Dad brought me home from hospital they were under an apple tree and some blossom fell on my head and that became my name."
The teacher then asked a second child her name.
Not to be outdone, the child said, "My name is Cherry Blossom", explaining it in a similar fashion and finishing with, "When the cherry tree blossom fell on my head my parents decided to name me Cherry Blossom."
"How lovely", said the teacher as she turned to a poor, miserable looking boy with a twisted nose, lop ears and snuggle teeth, "And what is your name?"
The boy looked her straight in the eye and said "Wardrobe."
Thanks to Rotarian Alex Anderson for the following eloquent insults. These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words.
- An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
- A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
- “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
- “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
- “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
- “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
- “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
- “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
- “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend … if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
- “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
- “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
- “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
= “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
- “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
- “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
- “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
- “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
- “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
- “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
- “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
- “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
- An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
- A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
- “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
- “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
- “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
- “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
- “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
- “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
- “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend … if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
- “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
- “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
- “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
= “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
- “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
- “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
- “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
- “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
- “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
- “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
- “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
- “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
A particularly stingy Englishman was forced by his long suffering wife to go on a skiing holiday in the French Alps.
The miser was aghast at the cost of everything and spent the whole time complaining about how expensive things were and he stayed locked in the chalet.
On their final day his wife convinced him to try skiing. Surprisingly he took to it like a duck to water and he headed off downhill at a very fast clip.
Unfortunately, after travelling on for half an hour or more he became completely lost.
When he hadn't returned later that afternoon his wife reported him missing and searchers set off to find him.
A Red Cross team thought that they could see something in the distance and they called out, " MR JONES! MR JONES! IT'S THE RED CROSS."
There was no reply. As the approached they could see that there was definitely a man across the other side of the valley and they call out even louder, "MR JONES! IT'S THE RED CROSS"
And from across the valley they heard a reply,
"I already gave at the office last week!"
An Englishman and an Irish chap were discussing their respective languages.
The Englishman was particularly interested in the Celtic language simply called Irish.
"Tell me", he said to the Irishman, "does the Irish language have an equivalent to the Spanish word mañana?"
The Irishman though for a moment and then replied, "Yes, however it hasn't quite got the same sense of urgency about it."
