1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
Why am I getting divorced?
Well, it was like this: Three months ago it was my birthday, however nobody said a thing. My wife didn't say Happy Birthday in the morning. The kids quickly ate their breakfast and left for school - not a word.
I went into work and none of my colleagues said anything, even though I know that some of them knew that it was my birthday.
As I entered my office, my Secretary looked up and said, "Happy Birthday!"
I was delighted that someone had remembered and I felt special.
During the afternoon, my Secretary came into the office and said, "I would really love it if you could come around to my place on the way home and have a drink."
After work we dropped into her apartment and she poured me a glass of Champagne and with the brightest smile that you have ever seen said, "I'm just going to the bedroom for a minute."
She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my kids, my parents, my parents in law and all my work colleagues, everyone yelling "SURPRISE".
And there was I sitting on the couch with no clothes on!
The new young teacher was having great difficult teaching Maths to Little Johnny.
"Johnny", she said, "If I gave you two cats and then another 2 cats and 2 more cats, how many cats would you have?"
"Seven", replied the little boy.
"No", she said. "Listen you have 2 cats and 2 more cats which makes 4 and then 2 more cats. Now how many would you have?"
Johnny promptly replied, "Seven".
The teacher said, "Johnny, 2 plus 2 cats is 4 cats and 2 more makes 6. Where do you get seven from?"
Johnny replied, "I already own a cat!"
Wanting to keep up with modern technology a mother texted her teenage son, asking: "Son, what does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
The son texted back: "I Don't Know, Love You & Talk to You Later."
The mother texted back: "That's all right. Don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister when she gets home."
